Dissociate

A blood smear on the table.
I think I don’t know how to live,
I think
Perhaps
There is a sense of an ending
A sense
Of ground turning
A thawing
A sense
Of decay.

I cradle a baby.
Together we are flesh.
One and one.
I watch the carousel
My slow consideration
Of the show
Colours and pride
And everything that died
In me.

You who
Inhabited
My dark,
The most shallow place.
All blackened fractures
You slowly seep to
Tar.
I hear the night begging
for my blood
Black hooded soul,
Horseman of
My dreaded night.

I plead to be pieced together
Before I rupture
My heart
An abscess
Bled to an empty sack
An empty sack
Of bones
And a body that says hello.

Do you know
You stood at the foot of my bed
A call
In my slowly fading
Echo chamber.
I hear the beat of God’s heart
In the toll of a bell.
Calling all those
Who want mercy.
I wilt
In the vacuum of my self disgust
Tulips grow
From my green earthed
Soul.

When you were away (my poem)

I’m glad the bus windows are dirty
I am afraid
They will see
This haemorrhage of grief
Inside me.
Senses prickle
Like thorns in my side
Glances tingle
Like a thousand prying eyes
I swallow these pills
In a daily routine
To try and cut through the blindness.
I do chores.
I sleep.
And I keep my pride in my mouth
Hidden
Like a crouching beast
To keep it from speaking.
I walk away from myself every day.
And the days
turn their backs on me too.

I don’t want my eyes open (poem of mine)

I don’t want my eyes open
I want the black dreams
The jittery
Reminiscence
I want the revelation
Of turning clouds
And pale skies
That drown like
Ghosts in the light.

I don’t want my eyes open,
I want peace
Like a plain sheet
And a window propped
To an outside chorus
And a mind as clear
As a blue day.

I don’t want my eyes open
To feel my stomach churn
Head burning with conversation
The friction
Of the daily grind.
I don’t want
My eyes open.

Old. Home. Dry. (Poem of mine)

And those old eyes
I still saw them
spreading with
the age in her face
And every time she walked
I saw hurt in her bones.
And I don’t know how many
Nights I cried
Thinking of life
Without her
And loneliness
Clenched
Like a fist of self pity
And my heart beat so fast
When I stopped breathing
I felt relief
Close,
And sweet
As a sheet.
I never saw her drink again
Even when wine flowed like fountains
And parties flooded around her.
I will always write poetry
For you.
I hold your hands
And veins flow,
Like shallow rivers.
I sink like a stone
in the water
Forever seems like tomorrow
In this grasp of sunlight.

Desolate (poem of mine)

Stretched across
This silent tundra
Whispers turn to wings
I wait for my oasis
To melt in front of me.
I sunk some time ago
And took shelter
I dreamed in mirage,
To escape the daylight
Making vultures of my bones.
I am picked dry
All angles,
And vacancy.
I watch the sand with envy
It floats,
Lifted,
And I am left behind
Not even a tear to cry
And quench this thirst.

Not guilty (poem of mine)

You sent me a text
About sex
And I was hoping I would get some
Declaration of love
About unrequited passion
A definition
To quell my constant aching
No
You were just acting
And I cant complain because
I wanted something
Rather than nothing.
I guess I am feeling something,
But whether it’s love
Or hate
I don’t know
It seemed to me that
We walked that line
between the two.
I lie and say to the ceiling
1 o clock – I’m not sorry.
2 o clock – I’m not sorry.
I’m not sorry.

Talking to you on a Sunday morning (poem of mine)

Understand
That I sway
Red and raw
When you talk to me
And inside fire burns
To smoke
And I hear the whistle
Of its embers.
I am distracted,
But,
I try to hold your gaze,
Try to untangle
This vineyard of escape
In my brain,
I drift
to lift a branch
And see eyes,
Heavy behind the purple of the grapes.
I drink the wine of your skin
And lay still
I turn my head away
Then back to you
We talk
Like old friends.
Air buzzes
Electric
As a hive
Weighed down with honey.

Darkness to chokehold (poem of mine)

By the light of my cigarette
An impermeable night
Closes to chokehold.
Brick by brick
Stacked in symmetrical folds
Blade by green blade
Grass, bitten with cold.

Breathe in,
Breathe out.
Eyes of 2 burnt coals,
And a feathery tremor
Climbs like a trellis
In the cold winds groan.

Brick by brick,
The gravelly tones
Of a night
Turned darkness
To chokehold.

A garden of remembrance (poem of mine)

A garden in the darkness,

And the night insects

Skulk in the grass,

The whitest meadow,

Moon drenched

Crystalline.

And I

Shadowed in the crevice,

I do not know this place.

Time brews

An empty ticking

Sensation

And the quiet spider

Trembles in its web

I feel

This tremor,

A cascade

Through my marrow

And beneath

An upwards surge.

Eyes go amiss.

Then again

Another darkness

Pours over me

I pray to feel it resting

I know when it recedes,

It only sleeps at my feet.

In shrieking darkness (poem of mine)

I lie awake
And breathe dark
Hope
That thoughts
Will soften with the light.
I try to pin down
This ferocious struggle
Restrain
It’s piercing scream,
Contain
A wailing midnight symphony.
I converse with myself
And every word
Is spit on my flames.
I cannot lie here
And burn in the blackness
In my mind I pace
The long corridors
And I shriek
Till the echoes
Rattle the walls.
And I sit,
Till my shadow
Singes the floor,
And clocks melt to liquid pools at my feet
And boredom dies
From restlessness.
The room is silent
And I am silent
Bandaged
In shrieking blackness.