I hope that there is nothing (original poem of mine)

I hope that there is nothing
Not the blankness
Of a blank page
Nor whiteness
Or peace
Or any earthly feeling.
This Earth
Bestowed on me
Enough of these aches,
Enough,
That I don’t need more,
For many lifetimes ahead.

I wish to leave
To nothing
Where there is no one
And none of this,
That has kept me living
Or kept me hoping,
For what is life,
But hoping for a reason,
If anything.

The past and the present and the future
Will be gone,
And not even forgotten.
Do I wish to be left
Like an empty heart
Or, an open door
A new beginning,
new learning,
New this
New that.
I can tell you,
That I have learnt.

A nothing
It cannot be described.
When you leave
You are remembered
And that is it.
I hoped today
That this would be it.
What keeps me here
Is the fear that,
My way out
Is just another way in…
What cruel host
Makes a revolving door of this fate?